My Story

I also want more from my blog than just crafting.......

I have to come back and type up my "about me" section. And I will be adding additional pages that will be clickable that will contain more serious content such as mental illness, suicide, suicide prevention information and whatever else I feel like really should be discussed, shared about, talked about, important information readily available any & everywhere the people that need it can find it! And mental illness still has the "shame" stigma attached to it and portrayed by the media as something horrid, only lunatics can suffer from it, that people that suffer with mental illness should be medicated and locked away from everyone's protection. And that absolutely flies all over me and infuriates me to the core. That information is ignorant on so many levels by supposedly educated people! And as you will find out soon, I've been through a lot of loss, reject, abuse, grieving, trauma. I honestly feel like God or the Universe or something truly hates my guts, I was the absolute worst sort of person in a past life or maybe it's just a big fat joke that ain't real damn funny. Idk, but I am current going through the most horrible, hurtful, painful, sorrowful, depressing scariest thing ever in my life and the worst part is my son is the one going through it really, I'm just the Moma that has to stand on the sideline and watch my baby hurt, be scared and not certain of his future.
I have suffered with severe depression for year & years, since I was in my late teens and it seems to progress with age because the events/ trauma, tragedy that I keep going through will not stop and it's not anything that I myself can control. They say the Lord doesn't give us more than we can carry. There have been 3 specific times I thought it was way to much to carry and I tried to put it down. However, as you see, I wasn't able or allowed to put it down yet.
Sometimes there are tons of warning signs and sometimes there are none. We never know what the person next to us is going through. Being respectful & polite to a stranger for no reason may just be what it takes to save their life. Being hateful, rude & disrespectful might just be what it takes to push them just enough to sit that load down for good. We just never know and it's important to me to try and help educate, share, spread the information. Someone might see it and decide they need it or it could help. I have searched for years to try and figure out what my purpose on this Earth is. I'm really really thinking this is it. Maybe I've suffered through personal losses, tragedies & traumas to help someone avoid it. I can't imagine God making my purpose here to suffer so horribly, year after year after year after event, episode, chapter, stupid mistake, whatever you want to call it. But what if that is my purpose, I'm not a Saint nor have I been a Saint. I believe everyone should be the best they can be just because they can, No, I'm not a do gooder or goodie 2 shoes. I don't expect anything in return. I've always been quiet, shy, I'd take crap and take crap and take crap because I was and am the peace maker. Ok, so well, NOT so much anymore. The other I get the less that attitude gets!! I feel like I've basically lost everything dear to me that is important to me to give a shit about keeping on keeping on. I don't take shit anymore because I don't have to and I don't care to tell it to a lot of people!! But I'm the nicest, sweetest, most giving, kindest person you will ever meet. However, you cross me in any way and I no longer give a crap to tell you or hurt your feelings over it. I know, not so Saintly huh?? Well, I done made peace with God because almost 18 months ago, I was absolutely positively so damn done with this planet. I'm ready to move on. I've had enough of this one but I'm still here and there is only 1 reason I'm still here. However, I do not know what the future holds, if there will be a chance for a future. I have to keep on keeping on for my son. I won't go out that way and do that to him. So there you go, that is part of my story. My sister says I should write a memoir! Ha! She just wants to know my deep dark secrets lmao!